Muleskinner

Issue date: 2/14/08 Section: Opinion

Commentary: Lora Powell [Click to enlarge]

Has anyone really figured out what Valentine's Day is all about? For that matter, does anyone even know who this famed St. Valentine is?

Apparently, there are a few St. Valentines who have been martyred in the Catholic Church, but what does this have to do with celebrating one of the top three most commercialized holidays of the year? I doubt the good Priest Valentine gave fantastic jewelry.

From what I understand of this puzzling holiday, courtesy of the History Channel, no one really knows what the hell it's all about. Some say romance, some say fertility. My favorite theory came from about 270 A.D. with the Lupercalia festival.

Apparently, a bunch of priests would get together in a cave, sacrifice a goat and a dog, then cut the goat's hide into strips. After dipping these strips in sacrificial blood, they would then clamor into town and chase all the ladies around, smacking them with the bloody strips.

Can you imagine Valentine's Day on Pine Street with all this mess going on? I can just see all you fine fellas running around, smacking some lovely ladies' booties with bloody animal remains. Wow.

Now, that's a turn-on. Apparently, the girls just thought that was all the rage back in the day because it made them fertile. Oh, joy! I can just see it: Valentine's Day 2008. Pine Street. College girls as far as the eye can see, screaming and crying because their cute outfits are ruined and their baby-making chances heightened.

Another theory as to why Valentine's Day is celebrated in the middle of February has to do with the birds' mating season. I didn't realize that two little "love birds" making an egg together was such a momentous occasion.

I thought birds were the most highly populated creatures in the world. Do we really need more? I can't drive down the road without getting on stuck in my windshield wipers.

The point I make is this: The reasons for celebrating Valentine's Day don't stand up anymore. Apparently, Valentine's Day just won't be good without an overpriced flower arrangement, overpriced candy and an overpriced meal.

Not to leave out all the other fun overpriced items such as cards, jewelry, and, apparently, cell phones. Nothing says co-dependent like the gifting of a cell phone to your mate. "Oh honey, I must know where you are every minute of every day!

That's why I bought you this lovely GPS equipped cell phone, so I can always find you!" If you can't deal with not being able to communicate with your significant other every minute of the day, maybe you should be spending some quality time apart.

I know what some of you are thinking. "Oh, I really like Valentine's Day. She's anti-romantic." I'm not anti-romantic. I am a big believer in romance, despite my fair share of miserable failings. The thing is, if you love someone, you don't need a special day to do something special.

Rather than giving your partner a call on their new, shiny cell phone, stop by their place and say hello. Take a little extra time and make dinner instead of buying it. Just tell your love you love them. Since when did pure, unadulterated love become something not worth celebrating daily?

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